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Taps Mic Is This Thing On?

Well, guys, we made it to October! My Summer flew by and I honestly don’t know where August and September went. Okay, September went to a lot. I also celebrated my daughter’s 6th birthday and wow, what a feeling. I am thankful to be her Momma!

A lot of people have been asking how it feels to have a six-year old, and I’m like sh*t… the same way it’s been feeling (awesome) but six is truly a rite of passage age. She is no longer a toddler, she’s still a child, but she is at the age I vividly remember being. Do I see myself in her? Yes, however, I see a lot of her in her. As I am on my own healing journey, I often watch her navigate the world in awe. The things she says, the way she processes her thoughts and emotions, and how she communicates. It’s truly an honor to be able to be a part of her growth. I truly love being a Momma! There are so many great things that come with motherhood.

I often get caught up in conversations with women who are like ” I want to have kids when my finances are right”, “I wanted to wait to have kids until I did XYZ” and honestly, I always feel so insecure in that type of dialogue. I had all of these dreams about how and when I wanted to do this. It didn’t quite go as planned but we are here now and would I do it again? I would! To me, there is no right time to do anything. Our timing is not always ours. The biggest feat that I want to master outside of being a Good Momma right, is being a conducive co-parent. Learning how to navigate not only my feelings but my ego. These are the conversations I can handle right now.

Another good chunk of my September was spent fighting off the urges to go back to the wonderful world of 9 to 5’ing. This month had me missing the material luxury that I was able to provide for myself when I worked a traditional job. Then I realized the luxury that I provide for myself right now is actually peace. I am less moody…I am less uhh… depressed, I guess you can say. The way I feel as a full-time creative versus how I used to feel in a formal work setting with a uniform and a punch sheet is so different. My mental health has truly benefitted from taking a leap of faith– but if I could give any advice to anyone thinking about quitting a place of financial security, I’d say…don’t do that shit. I’m kidding, lol!

There’s no right way to test your faith. The most universal advice that I could give is to write it all down. Everything that comes to mind when you think about free-falling into a world of the unknown needs to be written so you can see it. I go back and read notes from my 20s and laugh at how I’m living a good chunk of those goals that I set for myself. It shows me that I can really create the vision that I want for myself I just have to trust in someone else’s timing.

So, hello October! I am here and I am present. I plan to ride out this last quarter with better faith, a better work ethic, and I am welcoming wealth and abundance. I am continuing my healing journey and whatever journey life has for me that is for the greater good.

With Love,

Keila

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Categories: Featured

It’s #HotMomSummer!

We have made it through Mercury Retrograde, the first day of Summer, and Summer Solstice.

I have been kid-free since Memorial Day weekend but the first week of Summer just does something to me. It’s crazy because my daughter, Yemi, is almost 6. This is the first time since I feel like I am who I am meant to be before being a Mom. I was 23 at the peak of embracing who I thought I was meant to be and then *BOOM* I’m having a baby. Since then, I lost myself and got off track and let things like postpartum depression and a break-up take me under. I haven’t really taken time to reflect on that until this year, at 30. I really went through some things — only to realize that I covered them up with the stupidest things like a job I hated but made good money in, drinking, sex, avoidant behavior, you name it. Then last year, COVID hit and it seemed like I lost it all.

I have been “funemployed” for about eight months now. While some months were financially about to take me under, my faith superseded my fear(s). I have remained above water and used this time to really find myself. I curated an art show, I homeschooled Yemi, I took time to face grief head on. The losses that I experienced last year prepared me for the gains that were to come in 2021.

The key this Summer is to truly rediscover who I am and trust the path that I am meant to be on. I have tried and failed multiple times because I wanted to fall in love with other people instead of falling in love with myself. I wanted to find love in situations and scenarios that I created in my head. I applied pressure in the wrong areas. I consumed myself with people who knew how to practice boundaries when I did not. This cycle will not be repeated.

So what exactly is #HotMomSummer ?

It’s a reclamation of my time. A re-introduction of/to myself. I made a bucket list of things that I wished to accomplish while the only responsibility I have is myself. I am going to bring out the pieces of me that I tucked away and see if I still like them.

I am currently in the business of truly being unapologetic about the things that I want to do for myself. I want to date and be a little non-committal for a while. This is the first time since I was 23 that I have been truly single and understanding what it means to be “alone but not lonely.” I’m taking myself on nice dates, solo trips, and going to really make it a thing to smoke a blunt in the morning without feeling guilty. I might even put on a bikini and not cover up my stomach. As a matter of fact, I’m crop topping it indefinitely.

I plan on executing every creative project that I put on the back burner while thinking I was in love. I also vow to not fall in love at any point this Summer (really this year) so that I can focus. My shadow work has shown me that claiming to be avoidant is actually a front. I thoroughly enjoy being a sap but not when it takes time away from my self-expression. More on that later.

So #HotMomSummer it is! Let’s see where this goes. Stay tuned!

With Love,

Keila

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Categories: Featured

So Ya Girl is 30…

At 10:53 am on January 16th, 2021, I made it to 30. Here I am in April finally letting it sink in. These last couple of months have been a rollercoaster full of me learning so much. And it’s like, not only am I learning about other people, I’m learning about ME! Taking the time to actually apply the things I paid for in therapy has finally come full circle. Hella “ah hahs” and “oh sh*t” moments. One thing for sure is that there’s no “Ctrl + Z” in real life, lol. You just have to go with whatever the f–k happens and decide on whether or not you want to be around for it to potentially happen again.

I pray it continues to be as fun and as enlightening as it has been so far. The momentum has really been amazing. Learning boundaries and shit, learning how to say no without further explanation. I always used to joke about old people being so blunt and honest, now I’m convinced it starts at 30. The things I say without hesitation are truly liberating. I can’t wait for the rest of my 1991 crew to hit this milestone. This is really where life starts.

So welcome back to my blog. Been a while but I’m happy to be here and hope you are too.

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